Note: In issue 1, an article entitled "New Century: Oppressing the Youth" was printed. It was about a student who was suspended for standing next to someone who asked a security person at their school why security could carry walkie-talkies and students couldn't. To be allowed back into school, he had to write a 300 word minimum essay on mental, emotional, physical, social, and self discipline. When the principal received his essay, he received an emergency expulsion. We promised that we would bring you the essay in the next issue. Well, here it is. Hope you enjoy it.
First off I would like to start by saying that this was too vague, poorly written, un-needed and stupid. I would also like to say that in the 4 billion years that our planet has been around, NO ONE <HAHA> has EVER mastered either mental, emotional, physical, or self discipline. With that out of the way, I will proceed with this worthless and pointless make-work. Thankyou. <FISSION> Since it was written with such a lack of creativity and proper instruction as to what I am supposed to do, I will just have to work through it the best I can. Here goes nuthin.
Where to start ... (That's not a question.) ... I believe I will begin at the beginning ... For the most part that is.
This was once again vague, <KILL ME> so I will do my best ... I suppose the best way for me to ... To what? I have no idea what I should be writing ... There aren't any instructions on this. <die.die.die> So, I will try to start again. Mental discipline. Am I supposed to write something about mental discipline? <ANGUISH> And if so, what? ... Mental discipline ... I suppose I could hone my mental discipline skills <YEAH RIGHT!>... There are many ways of doing this. I will though never, and can't ever master mental discipline, because I feel it is just plain impossible. Impossible without the aid of 20 networked P-90's, 4 T1 lines, 15 ISDN lines, and a 2.2 terrabyte RAID that is. <DREAM ON> Seeing as I will never get any of those, and neither has anyone else for that matter, except an elite few who aren't actually human..<RANDALL FLAGG> They have moved past the physical, and achieved a mental acuity that far surpasses anything that us mere mortals could comprehend. Their minds would make you tremble. I could hone my mental discipline by silencing the voices. <NO> ... The voices. <NO> The voices. <OK> ... There ... I could also stop plotting to kill people. And following important world leaders to their homes, only to find they were already dead. Slain. Dead before me. There. I'm better. We're all better. We'll all be better in no time. When the time comes. Pig. Black Pig.
This one is also not easy to master. Not in the least sense. To achieve this, I would have to stop thinking up inhumane ways of torturing people that look at me funny. They won't be laughing soon. Nor later. I could try to stop getting the urge to put thick layers of broken glass under people's fingernails when they sleep. That one was easy. I stopped doing that years ago. I was absolved of those charges years ago.
What a stupid idea. Oh well ... Who cares about physical discipline. If I want to daydream about nice warm meadows in the sun while my hands are pulling the triggers of two MAC-11's (1280 rounds a minute) and harming innocent woodland animals, who cares? Not me... Not the woodland animals that are no more ... I suppose I could stop going into blinding rages and slaughtering thousands when some shmuck tells me my Mambo-sok is stupid looking ... I will only kill him for now on. How fun it will be. One day. When all is silent. And only I can be heard. Only I can be seen. Only I can.
This one is just plain no fun. Having no discipline in a social setting is just wonderful ... To feel the masses crumble. The few whither. and die. To steal cheat and rob from the blind. Glory. Rapture. die.die.die I could stop sending poisonous darts whizzing through the air at 350 mph through a pigeon's small skull. That one won't be hard to do without. Or rolling children... down flights of stairs... with no helmets... On their bikes... with training wheels... or tying someone to the floor... On an escalator ... That one was always fun when I was with friends and loved ones. I can part with those. But the rest, I will have to work on. Life is hard. Get a helmet!
This one will be the hardest one to refine. To fix. to change. to kill. to destroy. to maim. to bludgeon. to rot away. to carry off. to nix. to do-away-with. I would have to spend time .. hours ... years changing ... Stuck in a box.. Rotting. Fermenting to perfection. I wouldn't be able to rewire the microwave to come on when I stick my head inside it. I would have to stop burying my head underground and letting the worms have lunch. I would have to stop putting knives in my head. <ACK> Not again. I would have to stop trading fast warez. <NO.NO.NO> I couldn't drink milk out of the carton anymore. <DIE.DIE.DIE> I wouldn't be able to fly anymore. <CRASH> I would have to stop eating the rich. And killing the mushrooms. They don't deserve to die. <TASTY> They are young mushrooms. Sir 'Dib shrooms. <L7L7L7L7L7L7L7L7> Oh well ... They will live. Them and the cockroaches will all live when I am through. Then there will be no more. no more this no more that. Flotsam and jetsam (sp). <ZAP>
This has helped me to decide some things in my life that are too important to let go of. Like dropping children off the space needle. Or ON the space needle, whichever the case may be. This has also helped me to find things I can do without though. like building nuclear reactors in my backyard can go. I have no need of such things. So this valuable piece of information will help me become a better member of my community, and now I know to stay off the grass during Willie's time. Nuff said. L7